Look, I'm back! I knew I'd come back... (they always come back)

So, I think this may be a long one since it's 5:00 in the morning and what else can you do but type a long long message to no one?

If I had to have a conversation with myself here is how it would go:

i want to drop out of school. i want to do something. i hate being lazy, but i hate my options so being lazy is better then fighting for something i dont believe in.

there are two types of people in university: those who succeed in life after school and those who don't. I'm scared that I might be the latter...not because I'm stupid, I'm not..but I dont want to go into something that I won't like, but until i find something that i like i'm screwing myself over and over again.

well...I guess this wasn't too long. I will now continue with my essay as I can't drop out of school and I need to do well because, that's life! (or at least mine...)

-val

4

A fact of life: We all lie

I really don't want to get into the discussion of whether it is right to lie because every person will have their own opinion--It bores me.

I am convinced that my 'friend' is a compulsive liar. I really want to ask him but I don't think that his response would be truthful.


But seriously, he frustrates me to the core. I've never met a person in my life who is a better speaker than him. He is so well versed it almost makes me sick because I know that what he is saying has no 'substance' behind it. To further discuss this would be a meaningless task, so I'm going to end with a question.

What would you rather be like:

1) A person who can credit all of the many accomplishments to the fact that you are good at persuasion

or

2) A person who tries to succeed, every accomplishment is deserved, but the accomplishments are few and far between

if i had to watch a movie of my life i'd probably cringe b/c the camera adds 10 pounds. whaahahahaha

when asked how do I feel I respond 'i don't know'.

How is it possible to describe a feeling of nothingness? I'm sure there must be a cause for this but everything has turned to nothing so I am so unaware of the cause.

ok. so. the problem lies in the solution. a huge part of me misses me but the rest of me doesn't give a shit. the me who doesn't give a shit is overpowering the rest of it. so, i may want to be me but not as much as i want to curl up in a ball and roll away into a hole. there must be a way to get out. i think im hurting my friends.

i don't think im depressed, i'm not sad. Im just completely indifferent and lazy and tired. oh wait, that's during the day. At night I suddently care and i panac and then i can't sleep and then it starts again. then i'll be sad. but not depressed, that is harsh and has such a stigmatism attached to it. no i'm not emo. no i'm not going to cut myself or jump off a bridge. yes i will shower. fuck. oh, i won't do that because sexual activity tends to happen while 'awake' and i'm indifferent when i'm lucid.

double ended sword. a great game. a great game of playing me. someone is playing me and i am not happy.

 

I've never been in love. At least I don't think I've been in love.

I can easily say, however, that I have been 'in like' and sometimes falling out of 'in like' can hurt quite as bad. The funny thing is though, that it is easier to mask the pain of falling out of 'in like' then i can imagine it would be when falling out of love.

 

See now I'm wrong again, you don't fall in or out of these things. It cultivates over time and then one day you realise that you must be mixing with the wrong type of bacteria because its giving you the wrong type of infection--and that's where i imagine the hurting would begin.

So why am i talking about bacteria cultivating into nasty desieses..? I guess I have a twisted image of what getting close to another person is like. I've gotten to know a few bacteria..some more harmful then others, the majority i've only spent brief moments with little contact. There have been a few though who have managed to stick on to me. As hard as i try to remove them (umm peniciline) i think they have morphed into something stronger...

I am having a lot of trouble collecting these thoughts. I will continue trying.

right now i'm cultivating with a bacteria...its not perfect, its far from it, im trying. Recently however I keep thinking about other bacterias that Ive grown to appreciate. The ones that I can't remove. ..fine..one that i can't remove. I like the one i'm with now, i like him a lot. For some reason, oen that I just can't understand, we aren't mixing well together...and i think it is for that reason why i have been thinking about other bacterias that have mixed well. other bactera.

i dont want to have to think about another bacteria. I want this to work. i'd love for this to work.

I will end this by saying that over the summer i went to a psychic....i think the predictions are coming true. I'll see how this plays out , but it is rather creepy. Maybe it won't because i seem to have caught on to this mystery. Its funny because they will say something and you'll spend so much time looking for it as if its obvious, then a little way down the road it hits you and you are like WTF.

not that I believe in psychics...

but blonde....i never date blondes...

...a blonde infection. ouch.

too tired to sleep.
the thought of sleeping is making me sick.
too sick to do anything but sleep.
fuck I'm tired.

fattty got fat. well, maybe not but it is a warning signi when u can snuggle with yourself. It's 8:20 in the morning and i'm awake while someone is lying asleep in a bed beside me.

I feel like such a bitch for keeping him up all night.
He means well.
It must be hard to like someone like me.

Ok.

I'm in Mills right now and I should be studying. I tried quitting caffeine, I failed so miserably....it lasted three days and i just chugged a tea. I'll tell you something, though, I feel like myself again and not some walking Zombee. So, why am I writing here again? Don't I only write when things are over my head fucked up? Well...let me try to explain what has been happenening recently:

 

1) Winter break: Went to florida with the family. Oh the family. Actually, I'm going to take some time later on and write a little big about my cracker family. There were some good times, and some times that shouldn't be mentioned out of fear that we will all be thrown into a nut house. (oh my bad, we are the nut house)

2) came back to school. School. haha aren't we supposed to be doing work at school? I've been trying to. and it totally worked until i decided to go cold turkey on the coffee/coke/tea front. But i'm back and stronger than ever so I will do this shit and i will do it well.

 

i will write more later

(December 6/06)

 

Dear Myself,

 

I'm going to take this opportunity to talk about how messed up everything has become.

I know it's my fault because instead of just excepting the fact that yes, I have made a few mistakes, but its over, I dwell at all of them and turn myself into a wreck. I always get passionate and want to write something at moments where I'm so confused that it never comes out clearly. I want to be a writer. I can't write. I want to sing and I have the worst voice ever. My skills include anything that has to do with people, and nothing more. I am not an academic. I don't want to be an academic. I want to explore and learn and most of all experience every aspect of the world. I'm going to be taking a kickass course next semester in religious studies and I think that will be a really nice break from all this communication study stuff. I thought rationally today when I realized that I do enjoy my major I just haven't been taking it as seriously as I should. I can't be lazy, it is school. We pay so much to be here and even getting here in the first place I had to work for it. I spent so many hours study my ass off to get the marks to be here and if I wasn't going to do anything with them I may as well not have worked in high school. Man, I go through so many rebellious fazes and no one even realizes. I do it so discretely. Like grade 11, I can't get over grade 11. I still can't hook up with a guy without feeling violated. Oh man, this is so pathetic because I just want so badly to normally hook up with someone. Ok, so on another topic since I am jumping around I'm not trying to sugar code anything or use fluffy words to make it all sound better. It's not good. It really sucks. Oh yeah and the therapy, when did I ever think I was a psychopath. I'm not depressed I'm just confused. Depression is for people who just don't want, and I want. I want a lot and I will get a lot. My libido is still existing, it was just on hold. But what do I do now, do I indulge in the fact that someone thinks I have issues and go to therapy and just talk about myself. Or do I take matters into my own hand and just fuck it all. It was so good to talk to my mom today because she is amazing, even though she calls me fat and unkempt. I try really hard to be pretty and I think it's been working lately. I just need to clean my room because it is such a mess. I have been with way too many guys in the past couple years that my track record is becoming large. There is always something that has to complicate everything and nothing can just be simple. For me that is. See, here I go again indulging in self pity. I've got to do something about it and if that means sharing the load with someone else I can do it. Why do I like him so much? I can't stop thinking about him. Omg, this is so bad. It's SO bad. I just need a break from it all but it makes me feel like shit. Maybe we don't even like each other maybe its just some sort of sick fantasy like incest or something like that. We act like siblings, like pathetic siblings who go and cause trouble for people. Oh god.

 

Ok, so to quote Alanis: "and what it all comes down to my friends is that everything is going to be fine fine fine because I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is hailing a taxi cab."

 

So all in all it doesn't even matter what I bitch about because its so freakin' minor.

Your Birthdate: November 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February